If only…

I’ve been thinking too many “if only” thoughts lately.  Zoe’s precious lovey doggy is gone, and she is coping.  There are times she is just fine, but then when she needs Polly she will cry and wale out “Doggy” and I feel so guilty. That is when the “if only’s” start.

If only I had insisted it stay in the car.  If only I had looked back in the taxi.  I only I would’ve noticed sooner. If only we weren’t so rushed out o the taxi. If only I remembered the taxi receipt.  It just eats me up. 
Zoe seemed fine the first week when it still seemed hopeful.  When I was posting doggy’s picture on every lost and found board in Seoul, when I was calling the Helpline daily, when I still had hope. Now that its been two weeks I’m telling her Polly can’t be found.
In reality the taxi driver likely thought it was an old ratty thing and threw it away… Ugh, and there I need to stop as it brings me to tears to visualize her precious dog that has accompanied us around this crazy world in trash. 
 This dog was her precious love. She started loving doggy when we moved to Korea last time.  She was just over a year old and twirled my hair at bedtime to sleep, so Nana thought to put a hair extension on a doll for her instead of letting her rip out my hair every night.  We bought a brown real-human hair piece at Sallys. In korea, though, we just moved, so none of her dolls were here yet and we used a stuffed dog that was a happenstance purchase my mom -Nan- got at Kohls… You know, from their “Kohls cares” philanthropic racks near checkout.  In all actuality my mom picked out a monkey, but Zoe saw the dog and insisted we exchange.  So,  after our trip to PA we flew to Korea and had the dog, but no dolls… So the dog got the hair and became the lovey she needed to go to sleep without mommy needing to lay with her every night. It was wonderful she had a little friend, and now daddy could also put her to bed!  We didn’t know at the time she would become so attached that the dog would go with us everywhere… And we had a few near losses, but always found the dog.  It was only last year she started calling it Polly.  So we switched to “she”.  Recently Zoe had been experimenting with sleeping with other stuffed animals and Polly was spending more of her day laying in the bed; no less loved as doggy was still always THERE. 
Now I sometimes cry with her at night.  It pains me to see her so sad and fills me with guilt. She asked why I’m crying and I told her I felt responsible, and my beautiful daughter told me it wasn’t my fault.  It’s no ones fault.  I’m getting to that point, and she is working through her grief.  She has talked about not wanting to ever leave Korea because doggy is here.  She talked about how, “It’s like when Arlo died, mommy, but I feel sadder”.
Yes. It’s like a death for her to bare, and she is doing great at moving forward.  She isn’t ready to take on the clean new fresh dog that is a twin of her precious one, but she is choosing different stuffed animals each night.  During the day she is happy as usual but a bit on edge and quick to grump. It’s understandable so we are being super gentle. 
We all miss doggy. 

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